Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
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REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.