You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
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Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Natty or not?
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
It was worth a shot 😂
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ