My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
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I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?