Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
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Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.