“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.