Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
You Might Also Like
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
That took me a moment.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”