Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
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Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is