Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
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No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Breaking news:
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
💻🤡
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac