Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Yes my dude
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.