Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
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*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I’m not alone. I have ants.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.