@HatfieldAnne: Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
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@Reverend_Scott: [funeral] He looks so natural. Ya, but he looks a little stiff. *raises from the dead* "That's what... *gargle* ...she said." *dies again*
@blade_funner: Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight.
@SuperRandomish: Fun prank: Just leave random "I'm sorry I hit your car" notes on people's cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
@TheBeerGuy73: Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all. Then I thought of you.