Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
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Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Effort made
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”