Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
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Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.