@PJTLynch: Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
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@jazmasta: [loudly so dad who's been depressed since mom left can hear] Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS *dad looks up*
@Spaziotwat: [First date] Him:"Waiter!" Waiter:"Sir?" Him:"Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen"
@Discourt: My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn't let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date] OK don't let her know you're a snail Waiter: Would you like some salt? [flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]