Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
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An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.