Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
You Might Also Like
I only say stupid things when I talk.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.