Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
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Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
This 4th of July, please remember…
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”