Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
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You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.