Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
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How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
So that’s what we looked like?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.