PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
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Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
this is how life feels
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
this is literally a CIA plant
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*