Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
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Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.