SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
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Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Me as a therapist: omg same
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.