There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.