Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
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When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I have obtained a hat
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
*lint rolls you awake*