Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
You Might Also Like
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine