HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
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Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.