Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
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Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.