I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
You Might Also Like
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.