“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
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[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.