Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
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Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?