Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
You Might Also Like
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Just grow your own
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”