Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.