Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
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“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat