Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
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My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I was up all night reading about insomnia
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?