Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
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My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for