Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
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Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
#MeanwhileinCanada
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend