Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
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CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Just had my nails done!