Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
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I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU