Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
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I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Worlds greatest photobomb
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok