Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
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Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
The days of good grammer has went
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️