Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
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If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Krampus.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.