Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
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getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Everything reminds me of my ex
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons