@Jenny4ashley: Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
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@Gentlemenhood: Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
@CornOnTheGoblin: [magicians backstage] don't panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
@LazyChank: Explained to my client that he shouldn't put "urgent" in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as "urgent urgent".
@1CleverClogs: My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.