Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
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I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you