Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
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“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Goat cheese is for herders.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Seems legit
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying