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4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.