Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
LOOOOOOL
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Genius idea!!