Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
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we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.