Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
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The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
2022 will be better than 2021
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
My circle of trust is a meatball
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”