Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
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I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.