Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
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that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Always a metermaid never a meter
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic