Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
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Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers